Unknown territory

This unknown territory, this wilderness calling me into the deep underbelly of what I’m here for. When I close my eyes and take a breath I feel it so clearly, and yet I can’t see it, and neither do I know how I’ll get there. All I know is that it’s coming for me.

One step forwards was always how I planned to get there… one steady step at a time; planned, thought out, organised. And yet now I know that it’s all being turned upside down, and those carefully orchestrated ideas might as well have never been birthed; it’s coming for me in a totally different way.

There’s no hiding, not that I’d want to hide anyway, but there’s no dodging what’s to come. In the depths of my soul I know that it’s going to get dark before the dawn shows herself, I’m ready for that- or as ready as I ever will be.

“Your biggest breakdown will bring your biggest breakthrough” they say.

“Be brave” they say.

“Ask and the universe will provide” they say.

And yes, this change is in the wind, and as it whistles through the very trees that breathe life into my restless soul, it stings my eyes. I will no longer be the woman I am now. I will be forever changed, never to return to this wandering, and sometimes lost being, that tries to create order from things that are made of chaos. The magic within me now sways like a vast current that can’t be calmed and sees so many ports in its internal storm that it tries all of them just to feel safe. But I can feel the tides changing and the swell will no longer be desperate to make it any which way it can! And I can’t fucking wait to surrender to the divinely directed magic that will run orderly yet fiercely through my veins, and flow easily and contentedly into the world, perfectly channelled, with me as it’s sacred vessel.

“What’s your point?” they say.

Woman…I know some of you feel it too. Woman…I know some of you are also ready right now. So we will be the rising tide of women and beloved sisters walking into the torrent together, hand in hand, side by side, with our trust and faith in the pure magic that is about to be unleashed within us, that we must share with the world!

This unknown territory, this wilderness, it will lead us dancing and bathed in the light, all the way home.

love, light and insight,

Cate xx

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Dinner with the darkness

I can feel the dark in me . This “light worker”, this “vessel of the divine feminine”, this “love in all things messenger” sometimes has days, when the darkness lays thick over her like a heavy velvet cloak.

It doesn’t creep out of the shadows or sneak in through a slightly open door, it charges in and demands to be seen like the biggest, blackest shadow threatening to extinguish every light around for fucking miles. It’s all consuming and deeper than the ocean. It’s gnarly and winding and used to scare the fuck out of me; but not anymore.

When I wasn’t who I am now, before I fully stepped into my magic, before I knew my souls purpose and only mildly owned the gifts inside of me, I would sit terrified surrounded by the shadow that seemed as if it might swallow me whole. I thought I had to fight it, but didn’t know how to. I tried medicating the shit out of it (and there is NOTHING wrong with that- I wouldn’t even be here if it wasn’t for the effects that citalopram had on me for 7 long years), and that worked for a long time but in the end, it always came back round- as everything always does if you don’t stand and face it. It visited a lot back then, more days than not, and refused to be banished. But then I changed myself, no… I remembered myself, and my view of the darkness changed.

I live a life of love. I live on purpose. I live a purposeful life that I actively fill with love and light. I help other women do the same and intend to spread that further and wider than I have ever dreamt. It’s easy to presume that all the love, light and positivity keeps the darkness away- but it doesn’t always. Sometimes, not as often now, but sometimes, that darkness hits me, and I have to find a way to put a fucking light on again. The difference is that now I know it’s not something I need to “fight”. It is not only necessary but it is also the biggest catalyst for growth!

Within us all are traumas, experiences and feelings that want, and need, to be healed. To be heard. To be acknowledged and accepted. Sometimes we don’t even know what it is that needs this attention. Sometimes it feels easier to just muddle through and hope we feel better, but if you can sit in your own darkness for a while and listen to everything it has to tell you, you will learn more than you can imagine. Your darkness will show you who you are, and what you can be, and most of all it will tell you how to turn on your own fucking light.

So today, and every other day that the shadows fall across my heart, I will do the same as I always do now. Instead of accepting it as something I have no control over, instead of trying to make it “go away”, instead of “fighting” it, I will stand and face it. I will allow it a fucking seat at the table in my soul so that I can look deep within it and understand EXACTLY what the fuck it wants me to know and I will grow! It won’t be pleasant- it never is. It won’t be easy – it’s never that either. But then, instead of it being pushed into a cupboard (until another time when it won’t be ignored and will emerge again to try and tell me the same fucking story), it will be broken down, piece by piece, and start to melt away into the ether so that the light can return once more.

When we are surrounded by darkness, a single fraction of light can be astonishing. But light isn’t always gifted to us, sometimes we must create it for ourselves. 🌟

Next time the darkness comes round, make it dinner and let it sit at your table, don’t run from it, listen to it and then … turn your fucking light on.

Love, light and insight, Cate x

Happy to be bitch slapped

So I really believe that if someone, or something, is bringing up negative feelings for you, then you need to look inside yourself, and see what YOU are projecting outwards that has made that person or event come up. The last month or so something has been “coming up” for me a lot. It’s been an annoyance and also a worry because, for me, I kept thinking “wtf is it that I’m projecting to call this in”. Today it came up again for the third time in a week and it prompted me to action.

Im single. I’m a 43 year old single woman with social media and even though my security settings are locked the fuck down, men that I know, (some that I have for a long time and some for a not so long time) have been sending me friendly messages saying hi and catching up on stuff, and then after a short time, they kind of take a new route and (to cut a long story short) the conversation starts to take a more sexual turn – and not in just a flirty way. Often they have wives or girlfriends and if I explain that I’m not into sexting or that kind of thing, and that I am a fierce supporter of women- even ones I don’t know, it either usually ends up with them losing their shit at me and sending me abusive messages, or them trying to convince me that I am- in both cases they get blocked and I move on. Except I don’t move on… because they keep on coming (excuse the awful pun 🙄🤦🏼‍♀️) and I keep on wondering “what the fuck am I projecting????”

Today it happened again. So I asked someone exactly that- what am I projecting? And I didn’t get the answer I expected AT ALL! In fact I’d go as far to say that it floored me. You see, he told me that if I was his wife, he wouldn’t allow me to post some of the stuff I post because it’s outspoken, and men want someone who isn’t going to be “seen” so much on social media. That sometimes my comments could be seen as flirty and that men don’t want that. That men want a woman who kind of keeps herself to herself and isn’t as “quirky” as I am – or at least not for a relationship. And that if I wasn’t as attractive then it wouldn’t matter, because no one would want to fuck me so I wouldn’t get the kind of messages I’m getting all the fucking damn time! I’ve got to be honest, it stung! And then I got really confused – really fucking fast! So to attract a man who wants to actually be in a serious, happy, committed and deeply loving relationship I need to dumb it all down? I’m too flirty? I’m too quirky? I’m too opinionated? And I’m too attractive? I’m just too everything?

If I was the same woman I was 5 years ago, that would have pretty much been the end of me authentically showing the world who I am, but luckily, I’m not. I’m not the woman who believes I’m too anything! I am not too flirty – I’m friendly and I have a fucking great sense of humour! I don’t mind a dirty joke or a bit of innuendo but start telling me how you’re gonna fuck me I’m all out. I’m not too quirky – I am me! Exactly and imperfectly me! There’s no fucking way I can or would ever, put myself back in a box with a secure lid! I’m not too opinionated – I am not afraid to speak my mind, or my truth, anymore that’s all! I’ve spent most of my fucking life being afraid to say what the fuck I actually think but I did the hard graft and that phase of my life is well and truly over! I’m not too attractive- I am beautiful because of who I am, not because of what I fucking look like! I like a selfie- because …I fucking do-and that’s ok! If you don’t then that’s ok too, but just because I take pictures of myself doing stupid faces, or smiley faces, or any kind of fucking faces I want, it does not mean I want someone to send me a photo of their fucking dick! I don’t want to, and wouldn’t, change my face to make any man, or woman, feel better about themselves… FUCK. THAT!

I KNOW that I have work to do- don’t we all?! I KNOW that, if I start believing with every part of me, that I deserve a man who will do anything to make it work, and who will love me for exactly who I am at the same time, that then and only then, will that person show up. I KNOW that flirting can be taken the wrong way and maybe I need to look at that, and see if I’m reading situations or conversations wrongly, but … am I too much? No. Just fucking no.

The universe has bitch slapped me round the face, and it didn’t happen to tell me that I am too much woman for the kind of man I want in my life. No, it happened to remind me that I, (WE), are NEVER too much. That sometimes we might need to look at ourselves in a way we don’t want to, but that no matter what shows up to be worked on, it does NOT mean that we should dumb ourselves down to fit into an outdated stereotype of what ANYONE thinks we should be! Women who feel threatened, or men who send illicit and unwanted messages, do not determine the brightness of my light, and neither should they yours!

So… here’s to being too fucking much. I for one am so thankful that I can recognise what I need to work on AND what I don’t! And yet again, I am so fucking grateful to the She within me for showing me the truth exactly as it needed to be seen. It’s one bitch slap I’m happy to have got!

A Fraudulently Wild Woman?

All those quotes about being a “wild woman” used to make me feel like a fraud. I desperately wanted to be part of the gang but never believed I really was! And then one day I really thought about what being wild meant to me; and this is what I came up with…

To me, it’s not breaking rules and partying hard. It’s not being a rebel and causing havoc like we are led to believe as children. It’s not drinking or smoking until you’re no longer capable. No, it’s so much more than any of that.

Wild is feeling the wind inside your soul on a stormy day, and knowing that if you step outside it will become part of you. It will enter your very being and sweep you away and as it does, everything that was consuming you up to that point, all the worry, fears and failures, fall away and you are free to be the eye of the storm.

Wild is closing your eyes and breathing in the night air and knowing that a part of you has just been healed. Feeling the cosmos in your lungs and almost seeing the stardust rush through your veins, filling you with a magic that is only felt by those that allow it to enter them.

Wild is the deep feeling that you have for those that come into your life, and loving them so fiercely that you fear you might burst open if you think about them too hard! It’s loving so hard, and with such ferocity, that you are sure that others can see it seeping from your pores and shining from your eyes! It’s an unstoppable force all of its own and it fills you up with a light that cannot be dimmed.

Wild is facing your fears head on and forcing yourself to be brave even when you are the most terrified you’ve ever been! It’s saying no and meaning it. It’s walking away with certainty when nothing in your life feels anything like certain! It’s speaking out, and showing up, and doing all of the things that make you feel like you’re about to drop off a fucking precipice into the blackest void without a torch, and doing it all with nothing but trust and love in your heart.

Wild is looking at yourself without judgement and criticism. It’s looking at your outer self as if it shows the pure beauty of your inner self and expecting others to do the same. It’s not believing that loving yourself makes you arrogant, or selfish, but that loving yourself is exactly what you should be doing, and doing it with a passion that draws people in to loving you in exactly the same fucking way! It’s not accepting anything less than the very purest love for yourself, and not giving anything but the purest love to others.

Wild is self care levelled up and then some; those bubble baths by candle light, those biscuits under a duvet with your favourite film, those walks in the countryside or trips to the bookshop or whatever the fuck you want it to be! It’s the care that you would bestow on those you adore, but administered, without question, to yourself every damn day!

Wild is believing that we are all made of the same beauty and goodness no matter where we come from, or what our circumstances. It’s about recognising the cosmic magic in each other and wanting to connect that magic in as many ways as possible! It’s about me, and you, and them, and here, and there, and everything and everywhere else, in between!

Wild is understanding that we are here for a finite amount of time and accepting that that’s ok! Because what comes to us is meant for us and we all build our own paths, and those paths lead us to exactly the right people and situations – and all in perfect divine timing! It’s about remembering how small we are at the same time as strategically playing it so fucking big!

Wild is not being afraid of who you are and not turning down your light because those around you might think you’re weird. It’s building, sharing, and teaching the fuck out of everything that you know! It’s believing it and LOVING doing it, all at the same time!

Wild is the wind in my hair, the magic in my veins, the stars in my eyes and love in my heart. Wild is all of those things in me, and in you. It isn’t for everyone, but those who chose to live wildly can see it in all things and there is a beauty in that so profound it is beyond explanation; and there’s nothing fraudulent about that!

A tiger is for life, not just for Christmas 

Loving yourself isn’t just loving all the best bits- the bits that you’re not scared to show; it’s much more than that. It’s about loving ALL of you, including the parts that you find difficult to share and accept. And once you allow yourself to be the love that YOU need, and love every single imperfection as well as all the really perfect stuff; well that’s when you strike gold! 🌟 These are my tiger stripes (actually I like to call them feathers because they look much more like that then stripes?!) I’ve had them since I had my tribe, but after recent weight loss they decided to shine a bit brighter. At first I hated them because I thought they were ugly (and no man would want to look at that in bed right?) But when I realised how much they represented to me (my perfectly imperfect children, my commitment to show up in my own life, my dedication to doing the stuff that doesn’t come easy sometimes), and I understood that only a grown man who would love them too would be good enough anyway,  I started to love them. Like, really love them. 💗

Why am I showing them to the world? Well, because I don’t want any woman to feel about herself how I did. And we all know that these markings are something that many of us carry – figuratively and literally- and if what I can give makes only one woman start to rethink about how she feels about herself and her body, then I call that a fucking big win. 💪🏼

Today’s full moon in Taurus calls is to look at all the aspects of ourselves that we can release – especially around food and exercise, which in turn reveals aspects about our bodies that we may or may not be happy with. So this is my contribution to the rising tide of the Divine Feminine and today’s full moon, and an act of love from me to every single woman on the planet. 🌎

I nearly didn’t publish this. I thought “What will people think? What if people think it’s too much? What if they don’t get it?”
But then I thought … Fuck you ego! 👊🏽 Self love wins every time 💗

Love, light and insight and a blessed full moon, Cate 💗🌟🔮

#Metoo whispers 

The girl hides and hopes all the shame will go away. She hopes that the story will fade in her memory because she doesn’t want to hear it anymore. It’s been replayed over and over too many times and she’s healed now, she’s done with it, she wants to forget and move on.  But SHE isn’t done. SHE; the Divine Feminine, Source Energy, Gaia, is no where near fucking done yet- in fact SHE is just getting started! 

SHE gets to work… setting fires in the wombs of those who feel her movement. Shouting in their sleep so her words may be heard without conscious dismissal. Throwing example after example in their path so they MAY NOT FUCKING PASS without acknowledgement of what it is they are trying to forget. SHE doesn’t want them to forget, ignore or block out the pain because SHE knows that the only way to properly heal is to face it- fully, wholly and entirely because then, we not only heal ourselves but MAYBE we heal the ones who started it in the first place- and even better, heal the ones who will follow when we are no longer of this earth. 

SHE wants the collective to heal; for the girl who hides to become a woman and stand in her power no longer ashamed, and for the boy who laughs about it to become a man and stand in his power, shining the light for all the men that will grow after him. So SHE shines a fucking great big light on it all, and those that lead are asked to be brave once more. 
I heard an adult boy today. It was a whisper that has haunted the dreams of women all over the world, since the beginning of Patriachy … 

“I’m so SICK of all this “me too” bullshit” he whispered. 

As the hairs on my body stood on end and the rage overtook my thoughts I gathered myself and it came to me; yes, you’re so fucking right! I too am SO FUCKING SICK of this Me too bullshit! Sick of boys groping, touching, degrading, mutilating and raping women because they think it’s ok. SICK of boys beating and abusing their partners because a door is shut and no one can see what they really are.  SICK of listening to boys, who masqeurade as men, telling their mates how sick they are of women who are standing up and shining a light on the fucking shit storm that they’ve been subjected to. SICK of there even having to be a fucking #metoo. 

For the men who aren’t afraid to stand in their power and take responsibility for their actions – and their penis, for the men that show love and respect for the women in their life; thank you 🙏🏼 SHE is grateful and shines her light within you so you may be the brightest version of the man you want to be. You are the future. 

For the women who are so fucking brave, diving into the memories that you so badly wanted to bury, for the women that FEEL the light burning inside of them and can no longer hide; thank you! We are the creators 🌟 SHE is rising. SHE will never forget. And SHE IS WITHIN US ALL! 🙏🏼💗 
Boys; keep fucking whispering if you like, but SHE is coming for you and there is no fucking darkness that SHE can’t illuminate!

Death, Flames and Remembering

FlamesSince as long as I can remember I have been afraid of death and fire. As a little girl my fear was burning to death in a forest fire. We used to go to the woods a lot, on family walks, and there was a huge danger sign, warning of the possible consequences of smoking, or setting up fires, while you were in the woods. I can still see it clearly now, it had the word “DEATH” in it, and it scared the living shit out of me! I’ve always thought my fear was because I was little and it was “just a scary sign”, nothing more.

In the last three weeks or so, death has followed me, prodded me, appeared to me wherever it could. Close friends have lost beloved pets, friendships have ended, every set of Tarot cards I’ve pulled for myself, or had pulled by other people, has IMG_3532

had the Death card in. I’ve dreamt of fires over and over and I’ve thought about making a Will (yeah, I know I ACTUALLY need to do that). It’s not just me either; my 6 year old daughter has developed an all consuming fear of fire and death without knowing ANY of what’s been coming up for me.

I had an incredible reading from Lisa Lister (kudos woman- you’re fucking amazing!) and she said that I was about to be transformed, go on a retreat within my own life where I emerged a different woman. She wasn’t wrong.

I have been called back to my Celtic roots without knowing why. I was called to read “Witch” (also by Lisa) which talks about (amongst other things) the Witch trials and persecution of women. I’ve changed my surname back to my birth name which happens to be Scottish. I’ve changed my hair colour (this is a BIIIIIGGGG deal for me and not something I would have seen myself doing any time soon, if ever!) and was “called” to go copper; another nod to my Celtic roots- literally. I am drawn to wear red; even the bridesmaid dress I’m wearing in November is blood red. It’s never been my colour- until now it seems.

Today I did a new meditation that just happened to land in my inbox, from Rebecca Campbell called “Lay it on the altar” using the powerful Black Madonna.

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The darkness of the Black Madonna was not lost on me; I felt it deeply. In the past I would have stayed away from anything that led me to feel that part of myself, or the powerful dark. I felt the power and the fear so strongly, and during the 40 minute journey into the cave of my own shame and fear I saw my truth. The truth that has been trying to show itself to me since I was a girl visiting the woods with my family.

I saw myself fleeing up a grassy bank into a dark forest, with my long, copper hair blowing wildly in the fierce wind. Running for my life, running from fire, fleeing and leaving my sisters who had been captured, and were taken; already certain to die by the flames. I ran, never to return, and in this terrifying moment hundreds of years ago, the fear began. It’s been within me ever since; the fear of the flames engulfing me, the fear of dying before my time, the fear of not being good enough, the fear of what others think of me and the fear of showing who and what I am. Without even knowing it, I’ve relived it over and over again- all these lifetimes. I handed it all over as the tears ran down my face- I gave it all to the dark and wondrous Black Madonna and she? SHE handed me my freedom.

I am no longer afraid. I will not carry the shame of being who, and what I am, or the guilt of having to leave my persecuted, blessed sisters anymore.

I am a woman. I am powerful. I am the light AND the dark. I AM the fucking fire.

I am a Witch.